.. maybe i live in the past actually, 'cause i think i'm not exist well here & now..

What I think about my life is as das sein and das sollen now & here
I see and think about things that happened to my life
Aren't they supposed to be same with my hope?!
But in fact, they aren't, or they never really be true

I try hard, lot efforts, spend much energy & time
Be happy, think positive, and avoid mood in negative
Look for friends, relate with others, be accepted by clique
learn, work, pray for tomorrow that will come
-oh, I realize there're still some home works for me:
well communicate, release false perception of mine,
those all I need if I want to exist now & here-
But all that efforts that I show in front or back side
Still haven't already shown hoped feedback for me

I think, that's what I think now & here
But then, I see and recognize
If that efforts shown not too much effective
to release my lonempty inside
or to gain self-esteem & self-actualization for sure
or to reach my purposes for life,
then I think maybe,
I live in the past actually because
I think I'm not exist well now & here

Missing yesterday, those days I can't remember well...

'Yesterday, all my trouble seems so far away..'

a little phrase from the Beatles' song.

It remembered me about yesterday, about memories which are written in the past, but poorly, I can't remember well.

Yesterday, yet it became a walk to remember. Because those days are already gone. Yesterday, when many things happened. Memories, loves, laughs, sadness, friends, funs, experiences. I know it served me well -or worst- and it deserved to be remembered. But, I can't. I just can't.

I don't know. I do really not know why. I learned Psychology, I got the answer. Not a permanent statement: Short Term Memory Loss. Like Dori in Finding Nemo. Or like Drew Barrymore's role in my favorite movie, 50 First Date. They forget, usually forget, but it's not an usually forgetness. It always come in a few moment after it can be percieved. Describing myself, but luckily not as bad as they are. I still can remember, a few. Yes, a few. Like a rorscach pattern spreading in my brain, I usually see my memories. Slowly it appeares like pieces of puzzle. One by one, go on, grouping, and mapping. But, it never be complete. I don't know. It just be a groovy pattern on my mind.

Like now, I missed the day when I went to the mountain with my mountain division (Palapsi, -red.) in college. But, guess what, I can't remember all! That's what I hate about! I just remember that I have already gone there, but the details? No. Sometimes, I don't remember at all: 'have I?' until I saw a picture about it, or a discussion about it. For example, I don't recognize at all until now the journey to the mountain Raung (East Java, -red.) in January. In fact, it really happened, yes it was, because a little of my conciousness realized that. But, when, why, how, where, who, what about it, I can't remember well.

Or another, my high school time. I remember just a bunch, not a bouquet. I don't remember where the fun it was, except one part: my peer group 'Red Devil' who gave me a best friend forever, Rachma. Switch into the sad one were ..... .... ehm, it just became my private story & memory, nobody's necessary to know. This note just talk about my shortness to remember. And I was thankful for a little because this weakness sometimes effectively gave effects for washing away my bad-time memories.

Is there anything false with me?Or it just myself who haven't already showed hard effort and focus to remember it, in fact I need them? I don't know. For instance, it looks like a 'missing'. I miss and loose many things I had. Missing yesterday, those days I can't remember well..