What I think about my life is as das sein and das sollen now & here
I see and think about things that happened to my life
Aren't they supposed to be same with my hope?!
But in fact, they aren't, or they never really be true
I try hard, lot efforts, spend much energy & time
Be happy, think positive, and avoid mood in negative
Look for friends, relate with others, be accepted by clique
learn, work, pray for tomorrow that will come
-oh, I realize there're still some home works for me:
well communicate, release false perception of mine,
those all I need if I want to exist now & here-
But all that efforts that I show in front or back side
Still haven't already shown hoped feedback for me
I think, that's what I think now & here
But then, I see and recognize
If that efforts shown not too much effective
to release my lonempty inside
or to gain self-esteem & self-actualization for sure
or to reach my purposes for life,
then I think maybe,
I live in the past actually because
I think I'm not exist well now & here
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.. maybe i live in the past actually, 'cause i think i'm not exist well here & now..
Missing yesterday, those days I can't remember well...
'Yesterday, all my trouble seems so far away..'
a little phrase from the Beatles' song.
It remembered me about yesterday, about memories which are written in the past, but poorly, I can't remember well.
Yesterday, yet it became a walk to remember. Because those days are already gone. Yesterday, when many things happened. Memories, loves, laughs, sadness, friends, funs, experiences. I know it served me well -or worst- and it deserved to be remembered. But, I can't. I just can't.
I don't know. I do really not know why. I learned Psychology, I got the answer. Not a permanent statement: Short Term Memory Loss. Like Dori in Finding Nemo. Or like Drew Barrymore's role in my favorite movie, 50 First Date. They forget, usually forget, but it's not an usually forgetness. It always come in a few moment after it can be percieved. Describing myself, but luckily not as bad as they are. I still can remember, a few. Yes, a few. Like a rorscach pattern spreading in my brain, I usually see my memories. Slowly it appeares like pieces of puzzle. One by one, go on, grouping, and mapping. But, it never be complete. I don't know. It just be a groovy pattern on my mind.
Like now, I missed the day when I went to the mountain with my mountain division (Palapsi, -red.) in college. But, guess what, I can't remember all! That's what I hate about! I just remember that I have already gone there, but the details? No. Sometimes, I don't remember at all: 'have I?' until I saw a picture about it, or a discussion about it. For example, I don't recognize at all until now the journey to the mountain Raung (East Java, -red.) in January. In fact, it really happened, yes it was, because a little of my conciousness realized that. But, when, why, how, where, who, what about it, I can't remember well.
Or another, my high school time. I remember just a bunch, not a bouquet. I don't remember where the fun it was, except one part: my peer group 'Red Devil' who gave me a best friend forever, Rachma. Switch into the sad one were ..... .... ehm, it just became my private story & memory, nobody's necessary to know. This note just talk about my shortness to remember. And I was thankful for a little because this weakness sometimes effectively gave effects for washing away my bad-time memories.
Is there anything false with me?Or it just myself who haven't already showed hard effort and focus to remember it, in fact I need them? I don't know. For instance, it looks like a 'missing'. I miss and loose many things I had. Missing yesterday, those days I can't remember well..
Why There Isn't Anybody When I'm Down?
Why there isn't anybody when I'm down?
Should I scream "I NEED A FRIEND" ?!
NOT ONLY FRIEND, BUT WHO UNDERSTOOD ME!!
If you see I'm strong enough at the cover
No, I'm sure that is wrong definetly
I know I am fragile exactly into the deeper
So much stress could destroy me completely
Should I say,
"Yeah Ri, your coping of stress is very dreadful" ?
Or would I say,
"The stress itself grows rapidly but I can't handle it by myself" ?
Or just say,
"People surely need helps for solving their problems and stresses.
So do I.
But in fact, where are the helps?
Where are they who can be here when I'm down?!"
(I know this writing sounds very sorrowful.
I know this writing is full of anger.
But, It's just my way to cope the stresses.
Just let me express in my way.
Just let me prove to myself:
Every stress that come in to me
wouldn't break me down and fall me.
Every minute I take to solve the problems
would make me being more mature.
Every breath I take to reduce the stress
would give me extra chance to grow.)
Yogya, March 24th 2009
8:08 waiting wheter the stressors would go
Sendiri
Sendiri.
Diam.
Sepi.
Sendu.
Kosong
Kelabu.
Jatuh.
Suram.
Bengkalai.
Asing.
Hampa.
Apa pun itu
Hanya menuju satu
Keberadaan 'Diriku'
yang msh kuragu
Siapa gerangan itu
Mampu memelukku
Dapat mengangkatku
Dari jurang kelabu
Dimanakah itu
Dapat kutemu
Harapan baru
Untuk hidupku
Bagaimanakah itu
Dapat kurengkuh
Bahagia selalu
Dalam jemariku
Doa Sebelum Tidur
Teringat masa kecilku.
Kala aku di-nina bobokan oleh ibuku.
Diriku terbaring bersama adikku di ranjang.
Ibuku selalu berkata, "Jangan lupa berdoa sebelum tidur.."
Kemudian ia mengajari kami dengan mengucap lafalnya perlahan,
"Bismillahhirahmannirahiim.. Bismika Allahumma ahya wa bismika amuut......"
Lafal doa yang ibuku lafalkan sebenarnya masih panjang.
Berlanjut dengan kata ".. yamumit, yamumit, yamumit, ....."
Dengan sabar ibuku menjelaskan, "Yamumit-nya tiga kali"
Lalu kami menirukan sambil menghitung dengan jari
"... yamumit, yamumit, yamumit, .........................."
Namun, tak ku ingat lagi kalimat doa selanjutnya.
Kala itu diriku masih sangat kecil.
Adikku pun masih terbata-bata berbicara.
Ingatan kami belum terbuka sepenuhnya.
Sampai kini aku pun masih bertanya.
Bagaimanakah kelanjutan doa itu?
Akan ku tanya pada ibundaku tersayang.
Supaya aku dapat mengajarkan pada cucunya kelak.
Yogya, 24 Maret 2009
1: 01 mengingat doa sebelum tidur
Radang Tenggorok: Do's & Don't's
On Monday (23/3), I've already visited doctor in Gadjah Mada Medical Center (GMC).
At first I didn't want to go to doctor in GMC. My mother already suggested me to go to doctor after I told her I'm sick and she said I didn't have to mind about its cost. So, indirectly, I could choose my own doctor. But then back again, if there is already something free, why should search a non-free? (ups, this mindset shouldn't be generalized in other ways, loh.. hati-hati!). So, I went to GMC which is a free health facilitation from Gadjah Mada University for its students and workers.
Finally, I entered room number 1 and met a doctor. He checked me up and said that I got 'Faring ... ritis' -I didn't hear fully what he said about that name- but in common sense may be 'Radang Tenggorok'. He said that I'm still in low stage -not already severe- then I have to do a few things to prevent it getting worst. These are likely what the doctor said:
Do's:
1. First, must drink a lot of pure water, especially warm water.
2. Second, must rinse my mouth often, wheter with antiseptic e.g. Listerin or salt water.
3. Third, consume medicine (with doctor's prescription).
For my 'Radang Tenggorok' case: I have to suck a pil named F.G Troches 'Meiji'; drink Paracetamol if being fever and little pil named Dextaco; and drink OBH Woods.
Don't's:
1. Eat fried and oily food.
2. Consume ice or cold water.
3. Still can drink milk (except if you are in consuming antibiotics then you can't)
Why do I become so much sick like this?
It's rather for me getting sick. But, if I've already became sick, then I would be sick for long period.
Now, on this Monday, my condition is getting worst.
I went to college with a bad throat. I attended two classes -Clinical Psychology and Experimental Psychology- successfully, indeed between those sessions I also could go to 'bengkel' to service my motorcycle. Then, I met my Clinical Psychology group to discuss annual task which is sharing a case. After that, I met Patang. He is the new Editor in Chief in Palapsi Bulletin -my next Head of Journalistic Division- to give him some transfer learning. Then, I went to GMC to visit doctor (see on my another archieve about 'Radang Tenggorokku'). However, every single step that I took this day became bad then worst, worst, and worst, 'till this night. Yeah, my schedule on this day was full -but it wasn't as full as a few days ago, I swear! But, why do I become so much sick like this?
After take a nap -from 5 'till 7 p.m. is called 'a nap', huh?- I woke up and planned to drink my medicine. But then I remembered that on 9 p.m. there'll be 'Shift 4-an' which is a forum discussion of Cagardep held usually after the third shift is over. I planned 70% not to come because I'm sick now, but after Deka -a boy I knew in Cagardep with me- sent me sms to come to bunderan UGM because he has already came, I changed a little of my mind. Hmm, an opportunity shouldn't be passed actually, I thought it for a while. After storming, I decided not to come. REMEMBER RI, YOU ARE SICK. YOU MUST THINK YOUR PRIORITY.
Okay, let's see now, I'm drawning into my new blog, try something new to release my stresses!
Just a few Words to Begin This Blog
